Podcast Details

<><>

Use Task-Oriented Consequences

Use task-oriented consequences. There’s two parts to this technique: The first is, I want you to take some time to write up a list of the things your child enjoys doing, the things he likes doing, the things he finds rewarding or things that you can do that you know he’ll find rewarding. Or that you think he might find rewarding. Then draw up a list of the things that he doesn’t like to do and the things that are not rewarding but that are types of consequences. You know, losing time on computer, not being able to use the phone, losing the cell phone. All these kinds of things. So, when you sit down with your child and you have to reward them or give them consequences, you have a pretty good idea of what they like and what they don’t like. And by the way, you know, if you have trouble with a list like what they like, you know, include them in the discussion. “What are the things you like?” You know, so you have a menu of rewards that you can pick from. But the other thing is, too many parents teach their kids how to do time and not how to change behavior. And that’s part of the problem, is that if you ground the kid for a week or you take something away for three hours, you’re just teaching them to do that time. You’re not teaching them to change their behavior. So, that’s not a consequence, that’s like a punishment, all right. And so parents have to give true consequences, which is the natural outcome of a behavior. And so, if you’re disrespectful or abusive to your sister, you don’t go to your room, you go to your room until you write her a letter of apology. And you come up with what you’re going to do for her to make it better. Or if you lie about your homework, you don’t just go to your room. You go write a letter or a paragraph on why it’s important not to lie. You know, not to get over-punitive with it, but just to focus on the importance of trust and the importance of not lying. And so, what you do is, you know, if the kid doesn’t write the letter, then he doesn’t come out of his room. If he writes the letter in half-an-hour, then he comes out of his room. Then he has to read it to you and certainly, you know, you can process it with him, question it, send him back for more. But that way the kid is learning how to solve the problem. Task-oriented consequences are designed to help you learn how to solve the problem. The speeding ticket that I get is designed to help me learn how to drive slower. That’s the whole idea. If I don’t want another one, I have to drive slower. What we want kids to do is to learn the lesson. The lesson is how to solve your problems differently. And the way we do that is through a reward list and a consequence list and focus on problem-solving skills. I think it sounds great. Having said that, I am so overwhelmed with my childs anger and outbursts (he is a bully with me and self destructive) that I am not sure how to proceed.           Comment By : no  I totally think this is a constructive, productive, positive method. Unfortunately, my husband, the child's stepfather does not agree with me. He believes that consequences should always be punishments. Long, hard punishments in an effort to break the child and thus make him stop his behavior. Hasn't worked which is now I have to untertake the whole situation of my son's wrong behaviors by myself. It is so much harder when both parents aren't on board. Comment By : Nevergiveup I like the learning part of the consequence. We parents do not need to put ourselves in prison with them, but encourage them to be accountable right after the fact. I will need to remind myself of this over and over because when being swore at by my 16 year old daughter then hearing her call her father, telling on me then snidely laughing is disheartening. Yes, it is hard when both parents, together or apart are not on the same page or one has unhealthy motives.           Comment By : Cindy in PA Ok, it sounds good in theory but how do I get a child who doesn't care about consequences to sit down and write the letter/paragraph? I can't seem to get her to understand cause and effect. For instance, if you do this then this will happen whether good or bad. So if she's sent to her room until she writes the paragraph then either we end up arguing about her not writing paragraph (after hours of waiting) or she just absolutely refuses to write it and enjoys staying in her room. Then what?           Comment By : Beth in TX Been there. My grandson doesn't mind giving up anything. He has numbed himself to all consequence- good or bad. Rewards don't work, punishments don't work. He is above and beyond caring. Now what?          Comment By : grandmom Been there. My grandson doesn't mind giving up anything. He has numbed himself to all consequence- good or bad. Rewards don't work, punishments don't work. He is above and beyond caring. Now what?          Comment By : grandmom How about " Ill be happy to... make you dinner, take you soccer, plug back in the computer (fill in the blank)..... AFTER you have sat down with me and written this list. Grandmom and Beth: Get counseling if your child doesn't ming giving up all things... they may be urting about something they cannot express! It is amazing what a good counselor can do!           Comment By : momo2 That sounds good, but what if the child refuses to write the letter and is content with staying in his/her room? What about the homework/schoolwork not done? Do you stand over them til it is done? I don't have that much strength. I'm disabled and a grandparent raising a grandchild.           Comment By : billie I read the comment by billie, my daughter wouldn't do her homework I've struggled with this for years sat with her to help her finish the work. We had meetings a school,tutors, teacher would even put her work and books in her backpack, pushed,and grounded her. Sometimes if they are in no danger you have to let them fall (learn the hard way). Well she is in high school now. Try as we did to get her through freshmen year teacher meetings , one on one help at school. She failed math and has to take it again this year. Now if she does not keep up on her grades not just math class but all her classes. She'll have to drop art and she can't take drivers ed. So now she understands and is passing all her classes. I just wonder if I would of let her fail and feel the consequences when she was in 4th grade, would her father and I have saved everyone involved alot of headaches. Check with the school if they have an after school homework program ours even busses the kids home in the grade school level. High school we have to pick them up . Under you circumstances you should find out what programs they have to help the child out. Hope this was help full your in my prayers.         Comment By : pink , IL If you're in an extreme situation where your kid won't do the apology note or homework and is content staying in his/her room, strip the room of fun stuff (no toy, games, etc.) BUT, I have had MUCH more success offering a little reward after a smaller chunk of homework is done (finish a page & get 15 min. of computer time, then another page & another 15 min. reward...) That prevents the task from seeming overwhelming, and helps them want to get something done. I also have luck with "beat the clock for a quarter" (finish a page in a generous amount of time - give them twice the time you think it should take, and if they are almost done or are a good way through it and working hard when the timer rings, give them some slack). And make sure to give plenty of praise when the task is done, both for the task and their cooperative attitude. Rewards for positive behavior go lots farther than punishment for bad behavior. And, yes, please do see a family councellor if you can't get any cooperation out of your kid. We needed one (my son is Asperger's, and had a couple miserable years in 3rd & 4th grade)and she was well worth it. More than anything, a counsellor will help detect conditions you may not be aware of, and will help you know what to expect and ask from your school system.           Comment By : ks This is great to a certain extent, but I don't want writing to be correlated with "work" or "consequence" only. Any other ideas?         Comment By : bonusmom in AB I like the letter writhing to the person the child has offended! I no my child will not like this but i am go ing to try it. He is 13yrs old and is very mouthy with everyone. So maybe this will help him think about his actions. THX          Comment By : myles&morgan I took away my 13 year old son's game time until he brings his grade up, otherwise he does'nt have any playing time. I just like him to wake up and smell the coffee that you need to do well in school.           Comment By : khoshandy It's good to read the comments & suggestions by others - thank you for these, they are food for thought! I'd also love to hear from James, answers to the questions made above. Not being in the US or Canada makes getting his program more difficult and expensive!           Comment By : annieh

The Total Transformation Program

Steve Jobs: From Rebellious Child to One of the Most Influential People of Our Time

Do you ever feel like your situation with your oppositional, defiant child is hopeless? You might have more in common with the parents of Steve Jobs than you realize.

On the surface, you wouldn’t think Steve Jobs had a fortuitous start in life. His biological parents were grad students from Wisconsin (his mother was an American from a strict Catholic family, and his father was from Syria). He was first adopted by a lawyer couple in San Francisco who returned him to his bio mother for unknown reasons. Next he was adopted by a California couple who’d never been to college, but who promised to send their new son to university. His adoptive father, Paul Jobs, was a repo man who’d been in the Coast Guard.
By his own account, Steve Jobs had a turbulent childhood — he was rebellious and defiant at times — and was quoted as saying he didn’t care about school very much until he met his 4th grade teacher, who figured out a way to “bribe” him into learning. (She used candy and her own money.) He attended a middle school in a poor area where he was bullied at the age of 11 by some of the older kids. At his insistence, his parents sent him to a different school.

Steve Jobs was also a college drop out who experimented with drugs and had a child out of wedlock in his early adulthood. Though never formerly diagnosed, it was widely thought that he had ADHD.

And he was arguably one of the most influential, brilliant people of our time.

As amazing as he was, I’m sure raising him couldn’t have always been easy. And the truth is, some of us are given difficult children, whether they’re adopted or biological. There are nights when we wonder what we’re doing, why our kids are so hard to manage, why they act out and won’t accept the answers that other children seem to be fine with. But it’s important to remember that many people who would be labeled as “difficult” have done some incredible things and made some of the most important advances in human history — maybe in part due to the fact that they’re rebellious and think differently from the rest of us.

Is it easy to parent a child like this? No. There are days when you’re exhausted and wonder if you’re doing the right thing, if you’re even getting this whole parenting thing right. Then your child says or does something that makes you realize how remarkable they are — or that makes you see how difficult is for them to navigate in the world, as well — and it all becomes worth it.

Asked in a 1995 interview what he wanted to pass on to his children, Jobs said, “I just want to try to be as good of a father to my child as my father was to me. I think about that every day.”